Why the best gifts we can give are often free…
Judging by my inbox, this seems to be the week that Christmas email cards are unleashed, so let me start by adding my own Best Christmas Wishes to the cacophony.
For those who celebrate it, enjoy and be merry. For those who don’t, enjoy the savings you’ll make.
And not just in money, but in the mental effort it takes to come up with things that people will genuinely appreciate and value, rather than (my own too-frequent default) just giving stuff for the sake of stuff.
The thing is though, the mental effort does pay off. And not just for the receiver of the gift, but the giver as well. At a purely mercenary level, the most thoughtful gifts are rarely the most expensive, and some of the best gifts we can give are entirely free.
I can speak from first-hand experience.
Many of you will have hired consultants or contractors or coaches. I can tell you with absolute certainty, that while an M&S Big Mix Tin never goes amiss, the best gift you can give to any of them would simply be a referral – an introduction to someone you know that they might be able to help.
It costs nothing. There’s no downside (assuming they’re good at what they do). And if both parties do find themselves working together, you’ll get two helpings of gratitude for the price of none.
Just imagine their smiley little snow-dappled faces.
And, at the risk of sounding like the Christmas sermon wherein the vicar comments on the weather, and the candles, before the predictable segue “and that’s a little bit like Jesus…”, well, this is also a little bit like giving the people you work with feedback.
Great gifts and great feedback come from the same place; from seeing someone’s interests and potential, and helping them fulfil them. Every piece of great feedback is grounded in this simple motive.
Unfortunately, most feedback isn’t great. Most of the feedback we give to others is really an attempted gift to ourselves. Essentially, it’s: “here’s how you could make my life easier”.
It doesn’t have to be like that though. I stumbled on an alternative, very early in my career, when some of my team started talking to me about one of their colleagues.
“You’ve got to speak to her.” “She brings everyone down, and it happens so often.” “Sometimes she’s great and really helpful, but when she gets in a mood, she’s impossible.”
As a first-time manager, my anxiety at the thought of having “the tough conversation” went through the roof. And I wish I could remember the person I spoke to, and what they said, but after that conversation, I know that something shifted in my head.
When we met, I told her I thought she was really good at her job and brought a huge amount of expertise to the role (which was true) but what had struck me most, was the enormous power she had to affect the rest of the team.
I reflected what I’d seen in her ability to dampen or lift other people’s moods, to dial down or up their levels of engagement and enthusiasm, to bring out the worst or the best in them, perhaps without even realising she was doing it.
I said it was an astonishing ability (which I believed then and still believe now) and I asked if we could work together to harness it, so that we could start to build a real positive energy across the team.
Turns out it was the first time anyone had engaged with her about this stuff without tearing strips off her. She was astonished, appreciative, and over time became an absolute star.
The formula is simple: here’s why you belong, here’s what you bring, here’s what you might not see, here’s what I think your potential could be, can we work on it together?
And it works the same whether the person you’re speaking with is missing the mark or surpassing expectations, because it’s simply about the qualities they have and their potential to grow.
We get anxious about giving feedback because we expect it’s going to be difficult, that it’s going to create conflict.
But conflict only comes when the feedback is about your needs. Growth comes when it’s about their potential.
And so, this Christmas, this is probably one of the best gifts I can give you: follow the formula, and may your stress levels fall away faster than the needles from my tree.
Have a great one and see you next year.